The Red Shirt Paradigm
by jfrankliniv
Summary: As with any obsession, the gang's fixation on STAR TREK finally begins to get the better of them. After visiting yet another convention, the boys find themselves all dreaming about life on the Enterprise and what it would be like - Sheldon orbiting Sheldonia 6...Leonard as someone taller...Raj dealing with political correctness problems...and Howard visits Planet Amazon...
1. Chapter 1

_The Red Shirt Paradigm Prologue J. Franklin  
_

** THE RED SHIRT PARADIGM**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: The stairwell. LEONARD, SHELDON, HOWARD, and RAJ are walking slowly up the stairs dressed in various _Star Trek_ uniforms.)_

LEONARD: I have to be honest. I'm really starting to lose respect for these Trekker conventions.

HOWARD: At least you remembered to call it a "Trekker" convention instead of a "Trekkie" convention.

RAJ: What's the difference?

HOWARD: Trekkies tended to lose their lunch money much more often when they were younger.

SHELDON: Actually, I'm with Leonard. There comes a point where each convention eventually reaches the point of diminishing returns as far as entertainment and trivia acquisition is concerned.

HOWARD: Yeah. That AND Marina Sirtis wasn't at this convention. OR the last one. (Pauses) Guess I'll have to keep getting my Counselor Troi fix from the Internet.

RAJ: That reminds me. We should build a holodeck. We're four scientists with academic backgrounds. Why can't we create something like that?

LEONARD: Probably because if man ever did devise the holodeck he would never leave it. He'd spend all his time being waited on hand and foot by mistresses in togas feeding him grapes.

HOWARD: (Laughs) Actually, if I ever built a holodeck, my fantasy was always –

LEONARD: (Stopping him) I think we all know what kind of fantasy life you would have on the holodeck, Howard.

HOWARD: Why do you say that?

LEONARD: Well, our last experience in HR and your being on a first name basis with Ms. Davis provided something of a clue…

SHELDON: (Thinking) Hmm. Actually, Koothrappali may be on to something.

HOWARD : What, you think we could actually build a holodeck? (Pauses) How many of those purple milkshakes did you have at the convention again?

SHELDON: Only three. But no, my point is, why couldn't we build a replica of the _Enterprise _ourselves? We once had a time machine, and that helped spur our imaginations for a few weeks. Perhaps a life-sized model of the _Enterprise_ bridge would help stimulate some creativity we've been lacking lately.

HOWARD: Speak for yourself. Bernadette's already begun putting limits on my creativity. For instance, last week when I asked her to do this one dance for me –

LEONARD: Enough!

RAJ: (Quietly to LEONARD) Dude, you need to learn to let the man finish!

HOWARD: So, Sheldon, you're saying in between our ongoing experiments, academic obligations, research commitments, video game nights, AND attempts to have lives that include girlfriends, you think we should undertake to build a life-sized replica of the Starship _Enterprise_ bridge?

SHELDON: I'm saying it wouldn't be a bad idea.

LEONARD: Oh, really? And where would we put it? When we had the time machine, we all fought over where it would be located. When we had the One Ring, we fought over that, too! Where would we put a full-size starship bridge?

SHELDON: (Agitated) Must I think of everything?! Wolowitz is an engineer, you all are reputed to be particle physicists! Certainly between the four of us we could come up with something!

RAJ: (To LEONARD) I'm starting to think it would be easier to build the holodeck instead of working with Sheldon.

LEONARD: Anything is easier than working with Sheldon – except living with him!

(_The group reaches the third floor. As SHELDON fishes out his keys, PENNY emerges from her apartment dressed in her Cheesecake Factory uniform.) _

PENNY: Hi, guys! (Pauses) Oh, gee, let me guess where you have all been this afternoon. (Puts index finger to her lip.) Hmm.

LEONARD: (Groans)

HOWARD: (To LEONARD) Oh, please. Like you were ever fooling her about being a nerd like the rest of us.

PENNY: I'm going to guess – Battlestar Galactica!

SHELDON: (Rolls eyes) Really? That's the best attempt at trolling that you've got?

PENNY: Hey, that was pretty good for me! I even managed to pronounce "Galactica."

SHELDON: For your information –

PENNY: (Cutting him off) I know! I know! You were at one of your Star Wars conventions –

(_All groan)_

PENNY: Trek! I meant Trek! You went to a Trekkie convention!

_(All groan again)_

RAJ: TrekkER!

PENNY: What?

RAJ: Trekker. Not " Trekkie."

PENNY: What's the difference?

RAJ: Howard says we didn't get beaten up this time.

PENNY: Well, whatever. I've got to go or I'm going to be late!

LEONARD: Oh. Well, did you want to have dinner –

PENNY: (Bounding down the steps and around the corner) Can't! Gotta go! (_LEONARD sighs_)

SHELDON: I think we've found the real-life example of the Kobiyashi Moryu!

LEONARD: What?

SHELDON: The Kobiyashi Moryu! Your attempts to date Penny even though it always results in heartbreak represents the closest real-life example of the impossible test that Captain Kirk was forced to cheat on to pass.

LEONARD: So, what, you're saying I need to cheat to convince Penny to go out with me?

SHELDON: No, I'm just saying it's impossible. (_He enters with rest of group leaving LEONARD in the hall._)

LEONARD: Maybe I can find Counselor Troi on the Internet again…

_(Cut to: Opening credits)_

4


	2. Chapter 2

_The Red Shirt Paradigm Act I J. Franklin  
_

** THE RED SHIRT PARADIGM**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: SHELDON's bedroom. He is in bed wearing a night blindfold and talking to himself. "I don't know why those feeble-minds can't admit how much better life would be if it were like Star Trek. Even if all we had was a bridge, the inspirational qualities it would offer would be astounding!" Tosses and turns briefly. "Just think of the possibilities…")_

_(Dissolve to: The bridge of the _Enterprise_ from _Star Trek – The Original Series_. SHELDON is seated in CAPTAIN KIRK'S chair wearing a gold shirt with the Star Fleet insignia.) _

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Now THIS is more like it! Commanding the most powerful ship in Star Fleet with the most intelligent and capable crew in the galaxy! (Settles into chair.) Helm, what is our present course and speed?

_(Cut to: RAJ and HOWARD at CHEKOV and SULU's console.) _

HOWARD: Still on course for Sheldonia 6 at Warp Factor 7, Captain. About to cut in the impulse engines…now.

RAJ: ETA four minutes, thirty-seven seconds.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Excellent. (Pauses) Science officer, what are your present readings?

_(Cut to: Spock's station. SHELDON is also manning the station but with pointed ears.)_

SPOCK SHELDON: (_Looks into sensor screen_.) All sensors indicate normal readings, Captain. (_Pause_s) However, I confess I am still at a loss as to a central illogical factor regarding our current assignment.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Which is?

SPOCK SHELDON: Well, namely if I'm the most intelligent person on this ship, why am I not captain? It would seem only logical if I have several times the brainpower as a captain who is a slave to his loins in almost every episode that I would make a far superior commanding officer.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: (Ponders) I see. In the past, that would have been the case. But since there is no HR in the 23rd century, things have reverted back to classical white male predominance. (_Pauses_) You know, in keeping with our target viewer demographic!

SPOCK SHELDON: I see. Based on that, I can only conclude our crew composition is subject to the approval of commercial advertising then?

CAPTAIN SHELDON: I'm afraid so.

SPOCK SHELDON: Fascinating.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: (_Punches intercom button_) Engineering? Are you there?

_(Cut to: ENGINEER SHELDON in the _Star Trek – The Original Series_ engineering room.) _

ENGINEER SHELDON: Engineering here, Captain.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: (_Frowns_) What happened to your Scottish accent, Engineer?

_(Cut to: Engineering)_

ENGINEER SHELDON: Too difficult to mimic and far too pointless for a crew that is already multicultural enough.

_(Cut to: Bridge)_

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Very well. How are we doing on power down there?

_(Cut to: Engineering)_

ENGINEER SHELDON: The engines are operating fine on impulse power; but I do have a concern I wish to relay on behalf of the entire engineering department.

_(Cut to: Bridge) _

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Which is?

_(Cut to: Engineering)  
_

ENGINEER SHELDON: In keeping with our intellectual superiority, the engineering department wants to know why it is that we're all dressed in red shirts.

_(Cut to: Bridge)_

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Because that's the standard uniform for a Star Fleet engineer. Just as my shirt is gold, reflecting my rank; and the science officer's is blue reflecting his assignment.

_(Cut to: Engineering)_

ENGINEER SHELDON (_Looking at tablet computer_): Yes, but based on an examination of our historical encounters on virtually every planet, we have determined that there is a strong statistical correlation between the coloring of our uniforms and our demise at the next encounter with an alien entity. (_Pauses_) Also, I've also been asked by several crew members not to refer to them solely by their last names as that apparently tends to be a dead giveaway as well.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: I'll see what I can do. Anything else?

ENGINEER SHELDON: Yes. They would all like more air time in order to become regular cast members at the earliest opportunity. Apparently, being included in only an opening segment also seems to condemn them to an early demise when coupled with the last name usage and red shirt paradigm. (_Pauses_) It's pretty much a 3-strikes-and-you're-out concept.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Noted. Bridge out.

_(Cut to: Bridge)_

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Helm, how are we doing?

HOWARD: Entering standard orbit, captain.

RAJ: All systems normal.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Excellent. (_Swivels in chair_) Lieutenant Penny –

PENNY: (_at UHURA'S console_) Yes, Captain?

CAPTAIN SHELDON: (_Pauses_)

PENNY: Sir?

CAPTAIN SHELDON: (_Pondering_) I just realized we don't know your last name. Based on the paradigm engineering just outlined, that could be problematic; although not as much as knowing only your surname.

PENNY: Well, I am a regular cast member, sir. So, hopefully that counts for something?

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Excellent point. Have we heard anything from Sheldonia 6 yet?

PENNY: (_Touches earpiece_) As a matter of fact, I'm getting a hailing frequency now, sir. Their leader, Madame President, should be appearing on screen.

_(Cut to: Main screen. AMY appears in close-up wearing ELTON JOHN glasses.)_

AMY: This is Sheldonia 6 calling _Enterprise_. Sheldonia 6 calling _Enterprise_.

_(Cut to: CAPTAIN SHELDON.)_

CAPTAIN SHELDON: This is Captain Sheldon Cooper of the _Enterprise._

AMY: Yes. I know. I can see you on my screen.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: How may we help you?

AMY: Our sensors are picking up a Klingon vessel approaching. We urgently request your assistance for our protection.

CAPTAIN SHELDON: (_Aside to SPOCK SHELDON_) Oh, goody. We finally get to do something masculine without having to worry about direct physical injury. (_Pauses_) Helm, charge up the main phaser banks. (_Punches intercom_) Engineering! I'm going to need full power!

ENGINEER SHELDON (_Filtered_): I believe this is the point where I'm supposed to tell you that the engines can't take much more, captain!

CAPTAIN SHELDON: (_Confused_) I don't understand. We haven't even done anything yet!

ENGINEER SHELDON (_Filtered_): That's the standard line from engineering, sir!

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Very well. Just give me all the power you can.

RAJ: Sir! We have the approaching Klingon wessel on screen!

CAPTAIN SHELDON: Don't you mean "vessel," ensign?

RAJ: Oh, sure. Make fun of my accent. There weren't any Indians on the original _Enterprise_. Now, I can see why!

HOWARD: No, I think you can still say "wessel," but you have to do it like Chekov would have. You know, with a Russian accent? _Keptan, ve haf the Klingon vessel on da screen!_

RAJ: (_Looking at him_) You know, I just realized your haircut is perfect for this show…

HOWARD: (_Uneasy_) Shut up.

PENNY: Captain! I'm getting a hailing frequency from the Klingon vessel!

HOWARD: (_To RAJ_) See? Now that was said properly!

PENNY: Captain! The Klingons are hailing.

CAPTAIN COOPER: (_Relaxed_) Oh, very well. On screen.

_(Cut to: Main viewing screen. We see BARRY KRIPKE as a Klingon warrior.)_

KLINGON KRIPKE: Enterpwise? This is Commandah Bawwy Kwipke of the Kwingon Empiwah!

CAPTAIN COOPER: Kripke is a Klingon?!

KLINGON KRIPKE: Appawently, my name was the only one fwom our cast that matched the obligatowy first consonant for a Kwingon name.

CAPTAIN COOPER: _(Thinking_) That actually makes sense. Kripke would make a passable Klingon name, although it does lack the common apostrophe following the obligatory K in the name…

KLINGON KRIPKE: Anyway, I'm here-ah to tell you that we are going to bwast your ship out of space.

CAPTAIN COOPER: But I don't see why! Thanks to the Organian Peace Treaty, the Klingons and the Federation are now supposed to be allies, not enemies!

KLINGTON KRIPKE: Yes, but the Kwingons remain your twaditional adversawies; and we have vewy few pwot devices that call for special effects wike phasahs.

CAPTAIN COOPER: So, you're telling me that the entire purpose of our battle is simply to justify a special effects budget?

KLINGON KRIPKE: Pwetty much. Prepawah to be fiwed upwon!

SPOCK COOPER: Captain! I'm getting enormous power readings from the Klingon vessel! They're powering up their main phaser banks!

AMY: (_Cutting in_) Enterprise! You must save us! Every being on our planet is depending on you and your superior intellect to save us!

CAPTAIN COOPER: (_Relaxed_) Stay calm, Madame President. The _Enterprise_ always wins its battles. Helm? Raise shields. _(Sound of phaser fire.)_

RAJ: They just fired upon us! _(The bridge rocks with the impact.)_

HOWARD: We're getting damage reports from all decks!

CAPTAIN COOPER: Oh, very well. Helm? Return phase fire, please.

RAJ: Locking phasers now…

CAPTAIN COOPER: And let's do this the proper way it should have been done in the original series and fire the photon torpedoes as well. (_Pauses_) I swear, this is why Jean Luc Picard should always be considered the superior officer. HE fired both of his weapons while in battle instead of waiting for one to prove ineffective!

_(More phaser fire. The bridge shakes again.) _

CAPTAIN COOPER: Oh, I almost forgot. Fire main phasers and photon torpedoes!

HOWARD: (_To RAJ as he begins pressing buttons_) He was really beginning to approach Tim Allen territory there with all his asides!

RAJ: I know! I'm always telling him this isn't _Galaxy Quest_!

_(Sound of return phaser fire and photon torpedoes. A brilliant flash causes all crew members to shield their eyes momentarily.) _

RAJ: Got him!

CAPTAIN COOPER: (_Dismissive_) Of course we got him. The Federation never loses. It's a reflection of both our superior technology and my unsurpassed intellectual capabilities that save us every time. (_Sighs_) Damage report, helm?

HOWARD: Reports coming in now…mostly minor injuries…ship's hull intact!

CAPTAIN COOPER: Very well. (_Swivels in chair_) Penny? Open a hailing frequency to the planet.

PENNY: Um, already done, sir! On screen! (_Nods_)

CAPTAIN COOPER: (_Turns back to main screen_) Madame President? Your Klingon attacker has been neutralized!

AMY: Thank you, Captain Cooper! You have saved us!

CAPTAIN COOPER: All in a day's work. Is there anything else you would like us to do?

AMY: Yes, there is. You must beam down immediately so I can thank you properly.

CAPTAIN COOPER (_Confused_): Thank me properly?

AMY: Yes. As it is the custom of Sheldonia 6, we must reward every Star Fleet officer who saves us by having coitus with him!

CAPTAIN COOPER (_Eyes wide_) Coitus?!

HOWARD: (_Fist pumps_) YES! This is the kind of planet we've been looking for!

RAJ: (_Nods excitedly_) Yes! (_Turns to CAPTAIN COOPER_) Request permission to beam down with the away team to begin two weeks of R&R, sir!

CAPTAIN COOPER: But, we don't need to engage in coitus for simply doing our job as Star Fleet officers –

RAJ: Speak for yourself.

HOWARD: Yeah, for once, I'm with Raj. This is like Planet Anthrax!

RAJ: Don't you mean Castle Anthrax? In the Monty Python movie it was a castle, remember?

HOWARD: Yes, but now it's an entire planet full of women who want us! And why are we arguing over Monty Python trivia in the 23rd century, anyway?

RAJ: Perhaps because our frame of reference is still limited to the 21st…

AMY: (_Pauses_) Actually, that's not true. We only want to thank the Captain.

RAJ (_Amazed_): What?

HOWARD: _(Equally incredulous_) What?!

CAPTAIN COOPER: What?!

PENNY: (_Loudest_) WHAT?!

AMY: Yes. The captain must beam down so I as leader of Sheldonia 6 can engage in coitus with him. (_Looks down_) Locking transporter coordinates on your position now…

CAPTAIN COOPER: What?! This goes against Star Fleet regulations! _(Turns to SPOCK SHELDON_) Mr. Spock –

SPOCK SHELDON: Actually, sir, this is in keeping with the captain's normal activities in these circumstances. As you may recall, your predecessor Captain James T. Kirk was personally responsible for repopulating several star systems during his voyages. (_Pauses_) It's actually making me glad now that I'm merely a science officer instead of the captain!

CAPTAIN COOPER: But they can't use the transporter with our shields still up!

HOWARD: (_Looks down at console_) Actually, the shields just went down, sir! They're using some kind of feminine super-ray against us!

RAJ: (_Looks down at console_) Yes! It's showing on my screens, too! We are helpless. (Stares dreamily at screen) An entire planet of women who want to thank us…

HOWARD: Actually, she said they just want the captain…

RAJ: Shut up. Indian boys have fantasies too, you know…

AMY: (Offscreen) Energizing!

_(SHELDON begins dematerializing)_

CAPTAIN COOPER: No! No! NOOOOOO!

_(Cut to: SHELDON'S bedroom. He sits bolt upright in his bed.)  
_

SHELDON: (Gasping) Oh. (Looks around room) Thank God. It was just a dream…

9


	3. Chapter 3

_The Red Shirt Paradigm Act I – Part II J. Franklin  
_

** THE RED SHIRT PARADIGM**

**ACT I – PART II**

_(SCENE: LEONARD'S bedroom. He is in bed with his hands folded behind his head and staring at the ceiling. "Maybe PENNY is right. Maybe we DO spend too much time always thinking about _STAR TREK." _He frowns._ _"But hey, it's not like she's got some kind super-great grip on reality with all that Kardashian gossip and _People_ magazine stuff." He turns on his side. "Besides, what's wrong with _STAR TREK_, anyway?" He closes his eyes. "If only life could be like that…")_

_(Dissolve to: A KLINGON battle cruiser flying through space. The scene cuts to the bridge, colored by dim red lighting. K'RAJ and K'HOWARD are seated at the helm stations while K'LEONARD is seated atop a ridiculously enormous captain's chair wearing mammoth boots similar to those worn by Gene Simmons of KISS. He is dressed in full battle armor.) _

K'HOWARD: _Degh steady! Nominal, qaStaHvIS Hoch pat!_

K'RAJ: _QuQ Qap legh HoS naQ!_

K'LEONARD: _(Looks down at his hands encased in metallic gloves._) Wow. I'm a Klingon warlord! _(Looks down at his armor and boots.)_ And I'm not even a hobbit Klingon this time!

K'RAJ: _Tlham, HoD?_

K'LEONARD: What? Oh, right. Uh, let's try English, shall we? I was never very good at this when we played Boggle…

K'RAJ: What are your orders, sir?

K'LEONARD: What? Oh, I don't know. Just keep driving for now. (_Looks down at armor once again._) I can get used to this!

(_The door opens onto the bridge. K'SHELDON emerges wearing a waiter's apron over his Klington battle uniform. He is carrying a covered tray of food.)_

K'SHELDON: _'UQ, HoD!_

K'LEONARD: What? Oh, English will be fine, Sheldon.

K'SHELDON: Excuse me?

K'LEONARD: What? Oh, right. _K'Sheldon!_

K'SHELDON: (_Frowns at him_) Thank you. (_Pauses_) Your dinner, captain.

K'LEONARD: (_Lifts cover. We see slimy purple worms twitching and rolling about on the plate.) _What? _Gagh_ again?

K'SHELDON: Yes. I'm afraid our Klingon dictionary is rather limited when it comes to cuisine. Most of the terminology apparently refers to alcoholic beverages involving blood-this or blood-that.

K'LEONARD: Oh, very well. (_K'SHELDON hooks the tray to his chair_ _and starts to leave_.) Hold it!

K'SHELDON: (_Surprised_) Yes?

K'LEONARD: Fresh _gagh_, right?

K'SHELDON: Yes.

K'LEONARD: Live _gagh_, not dead?

K'SHELDON: Correct.

K'LEONARD: Appropriately-sized side order of _gladst_?

K'SHELDON: Yes.

K'LEONARD: _Zilm'kach_ for dessert?

K'SHELDON: Yes.

K'LEONARD: _Bahgol_ at room temperature?

K'SHELDON: Yes.

K'LEONARD: You remember why I'm doing this even in my dreams?

K'SHELDON: _Hija_.

K'LEONARD: Dismissed.

K'HOWARD: (_To K'RAJ_) I love it. Even in the Klingon universe he's unbearable to be with.

K'RAJ: (_Stares at him_.)

K'HOWARD: What?

K'RAJ: I just realized. I think you are the first-ever Jewish Klingon!

K'HOWARD: (_Uneasy_) Shut up!

K'RAJ: (_Looks around_) What? You think Indian guys have it easy here or something?

K'HOWARD: Never mind. (_A cell phone rings. It rings again. Then again.)_

K'RAJ: Are you going to answer it, dude?

K'HOWARD: No. It's either Berna – I mean, _K'Bernadette _or my mother.

K'RAJ: Don't you mean your _K'Mother? _

K'HOWARD: Yes, okay? My _K'ma_! (_Pauses_) And why do we have to insist on using these stupid Klingon names, anyway?

K'RAJ: Don't ask me. It's K'Leonard's fantasy. (_K'HOWARD'S cellphone continues to ring._)

Maybe your _K'mother_ is shopping at the _K'mart _and wants to know what size undies her little _K'bubby_ wants!

K'HOWARD: (_Annoyed_) Shut up!

K'RAJ: Go ahead. Answer it.

K'HOWARD: I'm not going to do that.

K'RAJ: Yes, you will. (_Smiles_) Or I'm going to drive you _k'razy_!

K'HOWARD: Alright! Fine! I'll answer it! (_Pulls out cell phone_.) Are you happy now? I'm supposed to be flying this ship and now I'm talking on my cell phone while I'm driving! I just hope we don't hit an asteroid while I'm doing this just to make you happy! (_Lifts phone to his ear._) _NuqneH?_

_(Voice on phone: "HOWARD? NUQNEH SUPPER?") _

K'RAJ: Told you!

K'HOWARD: (_To K'RAJ_) Shut up! (_Into phone_) Whatever we had last night was fine. I'm not going to try and pronounce it. Whatever it was, it was good, okay?

_(Voice on phone: 'ARLOGH SOH JUH DACHEGH?_)

K'HOWARD: I don't know! I'M FLYING THE SPACESHIP RIGHT NOW!

_(Voice on phone: 'E' VAY' MIW YIJATLH JHVAD?)_

K'HOWARD: No! I know! I know! I'll be right home when I'm done! (_Hangs up phone_)

K'RAJ: (_Grinning_) Who was it?

K'HOWARD: It was K'Berna – look, never mind, okay? Just fly the ship like we're supposed to!

K'RAJ: (_Smiling_) Looks to me like someone is _k'whipped_!

K'HOWARD: Oh, this from the man who can't even talk to _k'women_!

K'RAJ: (_Shocked_) Oh, dude. That was below the asteroid belt.

_(The door opens and K'RIPKE and K'STUART enter the bridge.)_

K'LEONARD: Hey, guys.

K'STUART: (_Pauses to look around bridge_) Wow. This is pretty authentic and impressive for a dream sequence!

K'LEONARD: Thanks. I'm even taller in these outfits! Look! (_Tries to stand and trips. We hear his voice off camera_.) Although my physical coordination appears to be the same!

K'RIPKE: Whatevah. We came up hewah to tell you that as captain you awe wesponsbile for the upcoming battawh we awe about to fight.

K'LEONARD: (_Climbing back into view_) What battle?

K'RIPKE: We're Kwingons. We have a battle in evawee episode!

K'LEONARD: (_Begins to panic_) But I'm not ready for a battle! (_Begins wiping his nose with his hand._)

K'RIPKE: What awe you doing?

K'LEONARD: Just checking to see if my nose is bleeding.

K'HOWARD: (_Interrupting him_) Captain! We're picking up an approaching vessel!

K'RIPKE: That would be the battle.

K'LEONARD: (_Turning to screen_) Are you sure?

K'STUART: He's right. I have all the graphic novels of every post-series episode, and if we're Klingons, there has to be a battle.

K'LEONARD: (_Turns away_) Okay. (_Pauses and turns back._) Wait, you mean to tell me you run a comic book store even as a _Klingon_?

K'STUART: Yeah. The books are the same price, but I have to tell you, the weapons are pretty kick-ass!

K'HOWARD: Approaching visual range, captain!

_(K'LEONARD stumbles back into his command chair.) _

K'LEONARD: (_To no one in particular_) In my next dream I need to get used to wearing these stilt boots…

K'RAJ: We have the ship in visual range, sir!

K'LEONARD: Oh! Um, yeah. Put it on the screen!

(_Cut to: The Klingon main viewing screen. We see a Romulan war bird hovering.)_

K'RAJ: The ship is hailing us, sir!

K'LEONARD: Okay, shields up! Power up the main phaser banks! And stand by on photon torpedoes!

K'STUART: Don't you mean the disruptors?

K'LEONARD: Oh, that's right! The disruptors!

K'RAJ: (_Whispering_) You'd think with all the video gaming we do that he'd at least remember the proper terminology.

K'HOWARD: Relax. He's just excited because we're going into battle. (_His phone rings again. K'HOWARD ignores it. It rings a second and then third time_.)

K'RAJ: Aren't you going to answer it?

K'HOWARD: No, not again! (Pauses) Besides, we're supposed to be in battle now!

K'RAJ: Oh! That's right! I almost forgot. (_A beeping sounds_) Captain! The Romulans are hailing us!

K'LEONARD: (_Sits up in chair_) On screen! (_Catches himself_) Wait! (_Removes his glasses_) Okay, NOW on screen!

_(Cut to: The main viewing screen. We see MR. and MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI in Romulan attire.) _

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: We are the Koothrappalis of the Romulan empire! We demand to speak to our son! He is being deported and needs to come home!

_(Cut to: K'HOWARD and K'RAJ)_

K'HOWARD: (Turns to K'RAJ) Well, how do you like that? Even on an alien bridge in the 23rd century, you still can't escape the Patriot Act!

K'RAJ: (Uneasy) Shut up. There is no Patriot Act in the 23rd century. This is all Leonard's fault. He has no imagination.

_(Cut to: The KOOTHRAPPALIS_)

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: Rajesh? Why is it even in your friends' dreams we still have to talk to you like this?

K'RAJ: I don't know, papa! This isn't even my dream! It's Leonard's!

K'LEONARD: (_Trying to sound authoritative_) This is K'Leonard Hofstadter of the Klingon – oh, hell, that's just too many consonants. What do you want?

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: We want our son to return with us to Romulus! We think he has been badly influenced by the culture over there!

K'LEONARD: What, you mean on the Klingon home planet?

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: No, we mean in California!

K'HOWARD: (To K'RAJ) What would a Klingon know about California?

K'RAJ: Dude, think about it. Where else in America would aliens live EXCEPT in California?

K'HOWARD: Good point.

K'RAJ: (_Turns to K'LEONARD_) Please don't send me back there! They just want me to marry a nice Indian – I mean, Romulan girl and settle down! I want to stay here!

K'LEONARD: But they're your parents! Shouldn't YOU be the one to tell them?

K'RAJ: I've tried. But even as a Klingon, they don't listen to me! It's like we don't even speak the same language! (_Pauses_) In real-life, I mean.

K'LEONARD: What? Okay, fine. (_Turns to MR. and MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI_) Mr. and Mrs. Koothrappali? Rajesh –

K'RAJ: (_Correcting_) K'Raj.

K'LEONARD: What's the difference?

K'RAJ: I don't know. It just sounds cooler that way.

K'LEONARD: Okay, whatever. Mr. and Mrs. Koothrappali? K'Raj says he wants to stay here –

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: Excuse me? This is none of your business! This is a private matter between members of our family!

K'STUART: (_Quietly_) You can't let him talk to you that way. You're a Klingon commander!

K'LEONARD: Yeah, so? I'm a Klingon commander? What am I supposed to do now?

K'STUART: I don't know. All I can tell you is that from every comic book I've sold, you have to do something now.

K'LEONARD: (_Turning back to screen_) Okay, um, Mr. and Mrs. Koothrappali? (_Sits up in chair_.) See, here's the thing. We're Klingons, so we don't take orders from Romulans. We give them! Understand?

K'RAJ: (_To K'LEONARD_) Thank you, dude!

K'LEONARD: (To K'RAJ) Don't mention it.

_(Cut to: Main viewing screen) _

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: We thought you would feel this way. So we brought someone else along who can talk to you!

_(Cut to: Main viewing screen) _

K'LEONARD: Who else?

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: Someone whom we understand can reason with you!

K'LEONARD: (_Frowns_) Reason with me?

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: Yes. Here! (_She pulls PENNY onto the camera. She is sporting an "earmuffs" hairdo identical to Carrie Fisher's from _STAR WARS _and is holding several sheets of paper in her hands._)

K'LEONARD: PENNY?!

MRS. KOOTHRAPPALI: (_To PENNY_) Go ahead. Talk to him!

PENNY: (_Deadpans to K'LEONARD_) Do I really have to go through with this?

K'LEONARD: What? I don't know what you're talking about!

PENNY: (_Ignoring him_) Okay, fine. (_Turns to pages in front of her and begins to read in bored voice._) Help me, Obi-Wan Hofstadter! You are my only hope!

K'RAJ: (_Aghast_) Dude! She can't do that! She's mixing the genres!

PENNY: Oh, yeah. Like there's really that big a difference!

_(All the guys gasp._)

K'RAJ: How can you say that!

PENNY: Because it's true!

K'HOWARD: No, it's not!

PENNY: Yes it is. How many girls do you see at either type of convention?

_(The guys are silent.)_

K'HOWARD: (Thinks) The Star Wars ones usually have more Slave Leia costumes.

K'RAJ: (Excited) Oh, but the Star Trek ones have Orion slave girls with their green skin!

PENNY: Guys? I'm talking about NORMAL girls?

K'RAJ and K'HOWARD: (Together) Oh.

K'STUART: She's right. I can't remember the last time I saw a girl in my store. Unless she was looking for son. (_Pauses again_) You'd think most guys in their late 20s would be living somewhere else instead of their parents' basement…

_(K'HOWARD's phone rings again.) _

K'HOWARD: (_Cutting off K'RAJ before he can speak_) Shut up. I told you I'm not answering it.

PENNY: (Fed up) Anyway, I'm outta here!

K'LEONARD: Wait! You can't just leave! We're supposed to be in outer space!

PENNY: You do your space stuff. My ride's here, and I'm late for work!

MR. KOOTHRAPPALI: You should listen to her! She's had an engine warning light on in her shuttlecraft for six months now!

K'LEONARD: (_Ignoring her_) Wait! Who's giving you a ride?

PENNY: Someone who isn't hung up on all this science fiction crap!

_(WILL WHEATON enters the viewing screen.)_

K'LEONARD: _Wil Wheaton?!_

WILL: Hey, Leonard. Is Sheldon there?

K'LEONARD: What? No, he's downstairs – I mean, on another deck.

WILL: Oh, well, tell him I said hi. (Turns to PENNY) You ready, sweetheart?

PENNY: You bet, sugar!

WILL: (_To camera_) See ya, Leonard. (_Pauses_) Nice boots, by the way!

K'LEONARD: (_Begins to stand_) What?! I mean, wait! I mean - (_Falls again and we hear him off camera_) NO! NO! NOOOOOO!

_(Cut to: LEONARD'S bedroom. He sits bolt upright in bed gasping.)_

LEONARD: Oh, man. Sheldon's right. He IS evil!

_(Cut to commercial.)_

10


	4. Chapter 4

_The Red Shirt Paradigm Act II – Part I J. Franklin  
_

** THE RED SHIRT PARADIGM**

**ACT II – PART I**

_(SCENE: RAJ'S bedroom. He is tossing and turning. "What's wrong with _STAR TREK_?" he says out loud. "So, it's a bit crazy, and goofy, and all the guys like it. What's wrong with that?" He pauses, answering himself. "Girls don't like it, that's what's wrong with it!" He turns on his back. "But what if life could really BE like _STAR TREK?" _He slowly drifts off to sleep…)_

_(Dissolve to: The bridge of the _Enterprise_ on _STAR TREK – THE ORIGINAL SERIES. _RAJ is seated in the captain's chair wearing a gold uniform. A steaming mug of tea is next to him.) _

RAJ: (_Checking out his clothes_ _and grinning_) Wow. A minority wearing a commander's uniform! It's about time! (_Glances around and frowns, clearly annoyed._) Oh. I see. (_Punches button_.) This is Captain Koothrappali calling Star Fleet Command!

MALE VOICE: (_Filtered_) Star Fleet Headquarters. Go ahead, Captain Koothrappali!

RAJ: I would like to talk with someone in Human Resources, please.

MALE VOICE: (_Filtered_) Is there a problem, sir?

RAJ: Yes. I would like to know why if I am an Indian captain my entire bridge crew looks like it works in a call center!

(_Cut to: A wide-angle view of the bridge. We see the entire crew wearing headsets and talking while typing information into computer terminals_.)

RAJ: This is highly racist and I wish to lodge a complaint!

MALE VOICE: Stand by, Captain Koothrappali. Transferring you to Human Resources now!

RAJ: Thank you! (_Sips tea_.) Mmm. Earl grey, just like Jean Luc Picard drinks! (_Glances around bridge and grins._) And I'm even doing it a whole generation before him!

FEMALE VOICE: (_Filtered_) Star Fleet Human Resources! This is Amanda speaking! How may I help you?

RAJ: Yes, hello. I – (_Freezes._)

AMANDA: (_Filtered_) Hello? Is anyone there?

RAJ: (_Lower lip begins trembling_)

AMANDA: (_Filtered_) Hello? Anybody?

RAJ: (_Lower lip trembling worsens_)

AMANDA: (_Filtered_) Anybody at all? Hello?

RAJ: (_Pushes disconnect button_) Damn. (_We hear a beeping signal_.)

AMY: (_At communication station_) Captain! I'm getting a signal from Star Fleet Command! _(Touches ear piece_) It's someone from Human Resources calling you back?

RAJ: (_Panicking_) Take a message!

AMY: What shall I tell them?

RAJ: I don't know! JUST TELL THEM ANYTHING!

AMY: Understood. (_Touches earpiece_) This is the Enterprise. Our captain is having a panic attack. Can you hold for a moment? (_Pauses_) Thank you!

RAJ: Oh, thanks. That's much better now…

AMY: She says she can only hold for a few minutes. Can you talk to her now? I have a customer on the other line placing an order for some Tribbles and some Quadrotriticale!

RAJ: Oh, God. Not that again. (_Thinks_) Wait. I think I know what to do. (_Punches intercom button_) Captain Koothrappali to Sick Bay! Captain Koothrappali to Sick Bay!

BERNADETTE: (_Filtered_) This is Nurse Rostenkowski! How can I help you?

RAJ: I want to talk to Dr. Wolowitz right away.

BERNADETTE: (_Filtered_) What is this regarding?

RAJ: I need to see if he can bring some alcohol to the bridge right away!

BERNADETTE: (_Filtered_) I'm sorry, but consuming alcohol during business hours is against Star Fleet regulations!

RAJ: Yes, but as doctor, he can write a prescription. It's urgent!

BERNADETTE: (_Filtered_) Okay, stand by. (_Pauses for several seconds_) I'm sorry, the doctor can't help you now. He's with a patient!

RAJ: What patient is more important than the captain?

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (_Filtered in background_) Howard! My bunions are driving me crazy!

HOWARD: _(Filtered in background) _Yes, I know. You've only told me A HUNDRED TIMES ALREADY, MA!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Where's that Epsom salt bath you promised me?!

HOWARD: (_Filtered_) I don't know. Would it be better if I JUST CUT YOUR FEET OFF, MA?!

(_A long pause_)

BERNADETTE: He's indisposed right now.

RAJ: Yes, I know. Please have him contact me when he is free.

BERNADETTE: Will do!

RAJ: Thank you. (_Punches intercom button._)

_(A female yeoman approaches wearing a 1960s style miniskirt and beehive hairdo. She hands Raj a clipboard for his signature._)

YEOMAN: The fuel consumption report for this week, Captain.

RAJ: (_Nods and signs without saying anything._)

YEOMAN: Are you alright, sir?

RAJ: (_Nods again_)

YEOMAN: Sir?

_RAJ: (Raises index finger and punches intercom button again.) _

AMY: (_Visible directly behind him touching her earpiece_.) Yes, captain?

RAJ: Amy, please tell this woman thank you for me.

AMY: You can't tell her that yourself? She's standing right next to you.

RAJ: Just tell her, please.

AMY: But I'm right behind you. I mean, I'm literally not 10 meters from you. I can see the sweat on the back of your neck –

RAJ: (Losing it) I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP AND I AM TELLING YOU TO TELL HER THANK YOU FOR ME!

YEOMAN: (_Recoils_)

AMY: (_Shrugs_) He says thank you.

(_The YEOMAN scurries away._)

RAJ: (_To himself_) Way to go, Captain Smooth.

_(Cut to SHELDON as SPOCK at science station console.)_

SPOCK SHELDON: Captain! I'm getting some energy readings up ahead. (_Pauses_) It looks like some kind of spacecraft is approaching us!

RAJ: What kind of spacecraft?

SPOCK SHELDON: Hard to say. The design is familiar, but I can't identify it.

RAJ: Any life form readings?

SPOCK SHELDON: Yes. About six or seven hundred. (_Pauses_) It is slowing down and should be visible on the main viewing screen now…

RAJ: (_Turns to main viewer. His jaw drops._) Have we ever seen a ship like that?

SPOCK SHELDON: Negative. I'm not getting anything in the ship's data banks.

_(Cut to: The navigation console. LEONARD is there with STUART.) _

LEONARD: (_Cutting in_) Shall I slow to one-half impulse power, Captain?

RAJ: (_Startled_) What? Oh, yes.

LEONARD: Okay. (_He continues typing into his computer terminal.)_

RAJ: Why are you ignoring me?

LEONARD: I'm not ignoring you. I'm just trying to finish with this customer's order!

RAJ: Stuart?!

STUART: (_Fixated on his computer_) I'm wrapping mine up now.

RAJ: Will somebody please just slow the ship down?!

LEONARD: Hold on. (_Adjusts controls_) Okay…there!

RAJ: Whew! (_Sits back in chair_)

AMY: Captain! I'm getting a hailing frequency from the vessel ahead! Their commander wants to talk to you! Apparently, it's urgent!

RAJ: Urgent? (_Shifts in chair_) Okay, let's make it so!

AMY: Sir?

RAJ: Oh, sorry. I forgot. Wrong series. On viewer!

AMY: Patching in now, sir! (_Adjusts controls_)

_(Cut to: Main viewer screen. We see MISSY COOPER, SHELDON'S sister, with Vulcan ears.)_

RAJ: (_Turns to SHELDON_) Your sister is a Vulcan?!

SPOCK SHELDON: Please! Half Vulcan. Although unlike me, she occasionally acknowledges her human side. (_Shrugs_) It's one of her most regrettable flaws.

RAJ: What does she want?!

SPOCK SHELDON: I don't know! Ask her!

RAJ: _(Turns back to MISSY and freezes_.) I can't!

SPOCK SHELDON: Oh, very well. (_Pauses_) Missy? Our captain who is about to wet himself would like to know what it is that you want from us?

MISSY COOPER: Greetings, Captain Koothrappali. I am Missy Cooper from the planet Vulcan. We wish to come aboard your ship to discuss a very important cultural exchange activity.

RAJ: (_Sits up and turns back to SPOCK SHELDON_) What kind of cultural exchange?

SPOCK SHELDON: What kind of cultural exchange – (_Turns back to RAJ_) You know, you really should be able to do this yourself. You ARE the captain!

MISSY COOPER: Enterprise! We are in desperate need of your assistance. Our ship is comprised of an entirely female crew; and our _pon far_ cycles have regrettably synchronized.

_(Behind RAJ the turboshaft doors immediately open. HOWARD comes running out.)_

HOWARD: (_Excited_) Did she just say an entire ship full of women going through _pon far_ at the same time?!

SPOCK SHELDON: What?! But that's impossible! _Pon far_ is a Vulcan male ritual that only happens every seven years! It causes the blood to boil and the libido to explode exponentially! It's why the original episode that featured it was called "Amok Time." And even if women did experience it, you would all have had to have been born on the same star date for it to happen to all of you at the same time!

MISSY COOPER: Sheldon, that is not logical. Everyone knows when women are confined for long periods in outer space, their cycles synchronize. It is what you humans refer to as _pheromones_, I believe.

RAJ: (To SPOCK SHELDON) I don't understand. What is she saying?

SPOCK SHELDON: She's saying she wants to beam her entire crew aboard so they can perform mating rituals here aboard the Enterprise!

RAJ: (_Eyes widen_) But you know we can't talk to them!

HOWARD: What is this "we" you speak of, kemosabe?

RAJ: _(Turns to him_) Excuse me! You have a wife!

HOWARD: Hey, this is YOUR dream sequence, so ANYTHING is possible! I mean, maybe in this time period, Bernadette and I aren't even married yet!

BERNADETTE: (_Filtered_) WE ARE MARRIED, HOWIE!

RAJ: _(Sheepish_) Sorry, man. Left the communication button pressed again. _(Switches off communication.)_

MISSY COOPER: Sheldon? We have your coordinates. May we commence transport?

HOWARD: (_Cutting in_) Yes! Yes, indeed! (_RAJ and SHELDON glare at him_) I mean, y'know, whatever.

MISSY COOPER: I would like to be among the first to transport over. And as captain of our vessel, I demand the right of primary selection.

SPOCK SHELDON: Primary selection? What is that?

MISSY COOPER: It means I will have the right to select my mate first before anyone else.

SPOCK SHELDON: Well, that seems only logical since you ARE the captain!

MISSY COOPER: And as captain, I demand the right to mate solely with others of my rank!

RAJ: (_To SHELDON, eyes widening_) What does she mean?

SPOCK SHELDON: I believe she intends to have intercourse with you. (_Shrugs_) I never claimed to understand her preferences.

RAJ: But how will I sleep with her?! I can't even talk to her?

SPOCK SHELDON: You know, come to think of it, that dilemma presents one of the continual problems with you as a character. You claim to have slept with women in the past, but you never seem to be able to communicate with them. How is this possible?

RAJ: Never mind the logical inconsistencies! What am I going to do now?

HOWARD: I think I can fix that. (_Reaches into utility belt and produces a hypo_.)

RAJ: What is that?

HOWARD: It's a low-grade compound that mimics the effects of alcohol. (_Pauses_) Now, before I inject you with this, we need to come to an understanding…

RAJ: (_Excited_) Yes! Yes! Whatever! I understand!

HOWARD: (**Withdraws hypo**) You haven't even heard my proposal yet.

RAJ: (Sighs) Okay, what is it?

HOWARD: That you change this dream sequence so Bernadette and I are _not_ married.

RAJ: But you ARE married!

HOWARD: No, in a dream, ANYTHING is possible! So, this entire experience could be happening in an alternate universe or time-dimensional shift that results from a rupture in the space-time continuum –

RAJ: Okay! Okay! Whatever! Just give me the hypo!

HOWARD: (_Smiling_) Your wish is my command! (_Injects RAJ through his tunic_).

RAJ: (_Jumping up_) OK! I'm on my way to the transporter room! Sheldon, have your sister meet me there! _(Disappears into turboshaft_)

_(HOWARD smiles. SHELDON notices.)_

SPOCK SHELDON: Why are you smiling like the proverbial cat that caught the canary?

HOWARD: Well, our good captain is about to experience what we in the medical profession refer to as the "placebo effect."

SPOCK SHELDON: (_Pauses_) You're saying you injected him with a placebo instead of a chemical compound that will mimic the effects of alcohol?

HOWARD: Well, not exactly. The dosage he got was significantly dialed down and – (_Looks at hypo and freeze_s). Uh-oh.

SPOCK SHELDON: Uh-oh? Uh-oh is not a scientifically acceptable term, Dr. Wolowitz.

HOWARD: Yeah, I uh, I know. (_Fiddles with hypo_)

SPOCK SHELDON: What are you doing?

HOWARD: Um, I'm not really sure. It looks like Bernadette may have substituted my hypos again.

SPOCK SHELDON: What do you mean _substituted_?

HOWARD: Well, she's always pointing out how in the future everything should be in the metric system, so she keeps trying to upgrade my hypos. I'm always getting the conversions mixed up…

SPOCK SHELDON: So, what exactly are you saying?

HOWARD: Well, I'm not sure, but I think I just gave our captain enough compound to inebriate a gorn…

SPOCK SHELDON: (Eyes widening) What? (_Pauses_) Oh, well. I'm sure nothing too bad can happen -

MALE VOICE: (_Filtered_) Transporter room to bridge! Transporter room to bridge! Urgent!

SPOCK SHELDON: (_Depressing button on captain's chair_) This is the first officer! Go ahead, Transport!

MALE VOICE: (_Filtered_) Sir, the captain showed up here a few moments ago. He's naked as a jailbird!

SPOCK SHELDON: Excuse me?!

HOWARD: (_Concerned and looking down at hypo_) She also keeps upping the concentrations of the compounds…

RAJ: (_Filtered and singing_) I can seeee – Par-a-dise – by the dash-board-lighhhhhht!

MALE VOICE: Sir! A female Vulcan has just beamed over. She says he needs to put his clothes back on!

SPOCK SHELDON: (_To HOWARD_) How much did you give him?

HOWARD: (_Nervous_) I'm not sure!

SPOCK SHELDON: What do you mean you're not sure?!

HOWARD: I DON'T KNOW! I'm an engineer, not a doctor!

RAJ: (_Filtered_) OMIGOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

SPOCK SHELDON: Do you know how much you gave him?

HOWARD: Yep. Enough to ensure that our captain can talk all he wants, but his flagpole will be staying quarter-mast at most!

RAJ: (_Filtered_) NOOOOOOOOOOO!

_(Cut to: RAJ sitting bolt upright in his bed)_

RAJ: Oh, thank God! (_Collapses_)

9


	5. Chapter 5

_The Red Shirt Paradigm Act II – Part II J. Franklin  
_

** THE RED SHIRT PARADIGM**

**ACT II – PART II**

_(SCENE: HOWARD and BERNADETTE'S apartment. HOWARD enters wearing his silk pajamas. He hits the light switch and the room immediately goes dark save for two lit light sabers over the bed. Soft jazz music sounds on hidden speakers. He climbs into bed places his hands behind his head and sighs contentedly. "She really needs to visit her dad more often," he says. He pauses. "Oh, almost forgot!" He reaches over to a miniature ENTERPRISE and presses a button. The time is immediately projected onto the wall in red lettering. "Gotta set the alarm!" He pushes some buttons before relaxing once more. "Ahh. That's better." He pauses. "What if a real astronaut had his own starship?" he asks before slowly drifting off to sleep.)_

_(Dissolve to: The bridge of the _Enterprise_ on _STAR TREK – THE ORIGINAL SERIES. _HOWARD is seated in the captain's chair wearing a gold tunic. He glances around the bridge and smiles.)_

HOWARD: (_Grinning_) Whoa. The original series set! Not bad! (_Pauses_) And that means it's before political correctness killed the franchise, too! (_Settles back in chair_) Now, let me see, what kind of crew would I want to have if I were a captain back in the swinging 60s? (_Opens eyes_)

(_Cut to: A full view of the entire bridge. HOWARD is the only male visible. All consoles are being monitored by women with beehive hairdos and wearing 1960s style miniskirt outfits with low-cut necklines.) _

HOWARD: Oh, yeah. This is going to be awesome! _(A buxom blonde yeoman approaches and hands him a digital clipboard.)_

YEOMAN: The fuel consumption report for this week, captain!

HOWARD: (_Trying to be cool_.) Thanks. (_Pauses before signing_) You know, as an engineer, I have to wonder why we sign fuel consumption reports when all our power is generated by dilithium crystals.

YEOMAN: I don't know, sir. I'm just your momentary eye candy for this scene!

HOWARD: (_Looks her up and down_) That you are, m'lady! _(Starts to scribble signature. Pauses. Deepens voice._) Tell me, have you ever been with a starship captain before?

YEOMAN: No, sir. I only joined Star Fleet right out of high school after my swimsuit modeling career flamed out.

HOWARD: Really?

YEOMAN: Yes. Now I just do this in between lingerie shoots to help pay the bills.

HOWARD: I see._ (Coughs nervously. Clears throat_.) Do you have a boyfriend?

YEOMAN: No, sir. In fact, I've never been with any man before.

HOWARD: (_Eyes widen_) Never?

YEOMAN: Nope. (_Pauses_) Just a few girlfriends now and then, but that's pretty much it.

HOWARD: (_Starts._ _His scribble runs off the clipboard. He gulps before finishing his signature and shakily handing over clipboard_. _Clears throat again and coughs.)_ So, you're, ah, saying I would be (_pauses_) _going where no man has gone before_ then?

YEOMAN: (_Rolls her eyes_) Only in some other dreams, sir. (_Turns and walks away.)_

HOWARD: (_Pumps fist_) Yess! Still got it!

(_Cut to: The turbo shaft. The doors part and KATIE SACKHOFF enters.)_

HOWARD: _(Surprised_) Katie Sackhoff! What are YOU doing here?

KATIE: (_Unamused_) I might ask you the same thing, Howard. Especially since I'm not even part of this particular science fiction franchise.

HOWARD: (_Looking her up and down_) No, but you DO fill out that miniskirt outfit just fine!

KATIE: (_Sighs_) Someday, Howard, I'd like to be something other than part of your regular masturbatory fantasies. I was a viper pilot on "Battlestar Galactica," remember?

HOWARD: Do I ever!

KATIE: Then you also remember what an ass-kicker I played, right?

HOWARD: (_Frowns_) Yes.

KATIE: So, maybe you should go back to fantasizing about your wife Bernadette, then?

HOWARD: But – she's with her folks! And besides, there's nothing wrong with a healthy fantasy life!

KATIE: Howard, this isn't a fantasy life. This is an adolescent dream you refuse to let go of.

HOWARD: (_Frowns again_) Wait a second. This isn't how my fantasy conversations with you are supposed to go!

KATIE: (_Nods knowingly_) So, then, what are you going to do?

HOWARD: (_Thinks. Pushes button_) I think I know. (_Pauses_) Security? Please send a team to the bridge.

KATIE: _(Unfazed_) You're going to have a security team escort me off the bridge?

HOWARD: Not just any security team!

_(Cut to: The turbo shaft doors open. We see identical twins in leather bikinis emerge. They move to KATIE SACKHOFF and take hold of her arms and begin escorting her off the bridge.) _

KATIE: Twins, Howard? Really?

HOWARD: Hey, THIS IS MY FANTASY! _(KATIE SACKHOFF is escorted off the bridge.) _Since when do captains have to justify their fantasies to their crews, anyway?

_(A signal whistle sounds.)_

HOWARD: (_Pushes button on chair_) This is Captain Wolowitz. (_Looks down_) Oh, I see it's my favorite division! (_Pauses_) This should be fun.

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) Engineer Cooper to Bridge. This is Engineering calling Bridge. (_HOWARD does not respond_) Engineer Cooper to Bridge! Come in, please!

FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Aren't you going to answer him, sir?

HOWARD: (_Smirks_) No, I'm just savoring the moment right now. (_Sighs_) The great Sheldon Cooper is now my subordinate, and he's confined to the one part of the ship where my knowledge of the field will clearly outrank his.

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) This is Sheldon Cooper in Engineering calling the Bridge –

HOWARD: (_Sighs_) Oh, very well. _(Punches button_) This is your captain. Go ahead – (makes quotes with fingers) "engineer."

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) Howard, we're having a problem down here –

HOWARD: Not yet! I'm afraid you need to address me by my proper title first!

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) I don't understand. You mean there's a title for Star Fleet captains whose subordinates outrank him academically?

HOWARD: (_Sighs_) Even in my dreams he's impossible. (_Shakes head_) What do you want, Sheldon?

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) What I want is for you to turn this ship around and head back to Sheldonia –

HOWARD: (_Smiles once more_) Yes, but that's not going to happen while I'm sitting in the command chair.

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) But where are you taking us? At some point, I'm going to be required to say our engines can't take much more, but I assumed as an engineer who is always bragging about his MIT credentials that you would know that!

HOWARD: Relax. Unlike some Star Fleet commanders, I do not make a habit out of expecting the impossible from my engineering staff.

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) Well, that's a relief!

HOWARD: _Specific_ engineers is another matter.

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) I don't understand.

HOWARD: Well, don't worry. You will.

SHELDON: (_Filtered_) But I still don't know where we're headed -

HOWARD: (_Switches off intercom and sighs_) I so need an off button like that in real life for him. (_Looks at helm_) Helm, how far are we?

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #1: We are approaching the planet Amazon at Warp 7, sir.

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #2: Shall I make preparations for standard orbit, captain? Or would you prefer to _penetrate_ their _tender atmosphere_ with your _massive starship_?

HOWARD: (Grins) Well, let's just see how she handles, shall we, ensign?

_(Cut to: The turbo shaft opens. We see PENNY emerge carrying another clipboard. She is dressed in the standard 1960s miniskirt uniform and sporting a beehive hairdo as well, however, her skin is entirely green in color.) _

HOWARD: (_Eyes widening_) Ah, here's my Orion Slave Girl!

PENNY: (_Deadpanning_) Bite me, Howard.

HOWARD: Such hostility! You really should be flattered! I'm imagining you as one of the sexiest creatures in the Original Series universe! Orion slave women were considered irresistible to mortal men!

PENNY: Then why do I feel like a nauseous Oompa Loompa in this getup?

HOWARD: (_Stammering_) Because…I don't know, maybe you…just…need to have watched the show more!

PENNY: (_Rolls eyes_) I have. You forget I've been dating Leonard on and off again for five years. In non-nerd time, that's like, a hundred light years!

HOWARD: (_Frowns_) Actually, if Sheldon were here, he'd say that a light year is actually a unit of distance measurement, not time –

PENNY: Look, just sign this thing, okay? (_Hands him clipboard_)

HOWARD: _(Begins signing_) I've already filled out the fuel consumption report. What's this I'm signing?

PENNY: Beats me. Something from HR about a warning or something.

HOWARD: (_Freezes_) I really wish the 23rd century wasn't so much like the 21st …(_Hands clipboard back to PENNY_).

PENNY: (_Deadpanning_) Okay, thanks. (_Turns to leave_) And try not to stare at my ass on the way out this time!

HOWARD: (_Watches her leave_) Lucky guess.

_(Cut to: FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #1 and #2 at station)_

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #1: Captain! We're approaching Amazon.

HOWARD: Slow to impulse power and assume standard orbit.

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #2: Shall I advise them regarding our intentions, sir?

HOWARD: What? Uh, no. No, that won't, uh, be necessary.

_(Cut to: FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER)_

FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Captain!We're being hailed by the capital of Amazon!

HOWARD: The capital?

FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: (_Touches earpiece_) Yes. I'm getting a signal now. (Pauses) It appears to be some sort of code!

HOWARD: Code?

FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Yes. Hang on. (_Adjusts knobs on console_) It's some sort of riddle!

HOWARD: (_Intrigued_) Riddle?

FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Yes. I have it now. (_Pauses_) "_Beam down to us if you seek closure. Nothing here is ever kosher_!" (Pauses) I don't know what that means, sir!

HOWARD: I do. _(Rubs hands together)_ It means we've arrived at the Bad Girl Planet of my dreams! With _shiksas _galore!

FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Hold on. I'm getting another transmission. (Pauses) I believe this is from Madame President's office!

HOWARD: The First Lady herself is calling me? (_Grins_) Wow. I must rank higher than I thought if a planet full of women has their leader calling me!

FEMALE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Switching to Main Viewer, sir.

_(Cut to: The Main Viewer. BERNADETTE fills the screen. She is wearing a bizarre futuristic outfit and is clearly furious.) _

BERNADETTE: HOWIE?! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!

HOWARD: (_Taken aback_) What? You mean my visit? Star Fleet always sends its ships to distant ports of call in space!

BERNADETTE: No, not THAT. THIS!

_(The camera cuts back. Her outfit is a ridiculously low-cut one-piece bathing suit with open sides that expose her hips and abdomen.)_

BERNADETTE: I did NOT go to graduate school and endure 12 years of Catholic upbringing to be some kind of fantasy play toy on national TV!

HOWARD: But…you're not on national TV! This is just my fantasy dream sequence!

BERNADETTE: (_Taken aback. Pauses_) Oh. (_Pauses again_) Well, I'm still annoyed that you have me wearing this thing! I mean, really, how many alien leaders dress like some forgotten model from a cheesy 1980s hair metal video?

HOWARD: (_Tired_) Okay, okay. Next time, I'll imagine you wearing something else, okay?

BERNADETTE: Not quite. There's still another matter I want to discuss with you!

HOWARD: What's that?

_(Cut to: BERNADETTE. Somewhere behind her we hear MRS. WOLOWITZ'S voice.)_

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Is that my no-good son who never call his mother?

HOWARD: Ma?! What are YOU doing down there?

BERNADETTE: I was going to ask YOU the same thing! If this is YOUR fantasy, why am I the one keeping your mother company on an all-female planet?!

HOWARD: What?! I don't know! Something must have gotten switched in my dream sequence –

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Is that him? Is that the boy who doesn't respect his mother anymore?!

HOWARD: (Shouting past BERNADETTE) Ma! I don't understand! We just talked the other day!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: Not in THIS universe we didn't, Mr. Smarty-Pants!

BERNADETTE: (_Leaning in toward screen and whispering_) Howard, she's been like this all week down here! What am I supposed to do?

HOWARD: I don't know. Did you make sure she still gets her hormone pills?

BERNADETTE: No! Down here we already have all the estrogen we need. In fact, that's part of the problem –

HOWARD: What problem?

BERNADETTE: (_Sighs_) Okay, Mr. I-Don't-Have-a-PhD, do you know what biological events take place when women spend too much with one another in close proximity?

HOWARD: (_Shrugs_) I don't know. They give each other massages and have naked pillow fights?

BERNADETTE: (_Steaming_) No, guess again.

HOWARD: (_Exasperated)_ I don't know! I'm not a woman!

BERNADETTE: Well, think of it this way. If pheromones exist in one universe, it's not that illogical to assume they exist in others as well!

HOWARD: (_Aghast_) So, you're saying…

BERNADETTE: (_Voice ticks up_) Uh-HUH! So, you can just forget about that little fantasy of yours of beaming down to a planet full of waiting women! Most of the gals down here are just a few Midols away from going on a full PMS-rampage!

HOWARD: Wait, a whole planet of women PMSing at the same time?!

BERNADETTE: Why do you think it's an all-female planet? They killed all the men off years ago down here!

HOWARD: (Shaking his head) I don't understand. My fantasies always had a planet full of women as being something positive. You know, every red-blooded Star Fleet captain's fantasy.

BERNADETTE: Did I mention that none of us get along with one another down here?

HOWARD: (_Taken aback_) What do you mean, you don't get along?

BERNADETTE: No, we just pretend to in one another's company, but we all hate each other behind our backs. It's why Amazon has never joined the Federation!

HOWARD: (_Incredulous_) You mean this is an outlaw planet!?

BERNADETTE: Yes! (Pauses) Now, I want you to beam down here and talk to your mother –

HOWARD: (_Aghast_) Oh, no! I'm not doing that!

BERNADETTE: Yes, you are. We'll talk about it when you get here!

HOWARD: But I can't beam down! I'm the captain of the Enterprise! I'm needed here! (_Pauses_) Especially if our engineer is half as crazy as I think he is…

BERNADETTE: This discussion is over. You are beaming down here at once.

HOWARD: Oh, I don't think so! (_Turns to female helm officers_) Raise shields! (_They ignore him._) I said, raise shields!

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #1: We're no longer listening to you, sir.

HOWARD: WHAT?!

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #2: It's a girl thing, sir. We cannot violate the pact of the sisterhood.

HOWARD: WHAT PACT?!

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #1: Sisterhood above all.

FEMALE HELM OPERATOR #2: Especially when it comes to guys.

HOWARD: (_Horrified_) YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS?!

MRS. WOLOWITZ: (_Offscreen) _Is he beaming down? I have a bone to pick with him!

BERNADETTE: _(Offscreen_) Energizing!

HOWARD: (_Begins dematerializing_) No! NO! NOOOOOOO!

(Cut to: _HOWARD and BERNADETTE'S bedroom. HOWARD sits bolt upright before looking around.)_

HOWARD: Oh, thank God…

_(Cut to: Commercial)_

9


	6. Chapter 6

_The Red Shirt Paradigm Epilogue J. Franklin  
_

** THE RED SHIRT PARADIGM**

**EPILOGUE**

_(SCENE: LEONARD and SHELDON's apartment. PENNY is having dinner with LEONARD.)_

LEONARD: So, the weirdest thing was, all of us had more or less the same dream about what life would be like on "Star Trek."

PENNY: And you honestly felt that this would make for good dinner conversation with your girlfriend _why_?

LEONARD: Well, you know how you're always saying we spend too much time fantasizing and role-playing with all our comic books? You know, those and the TV shows…the movies…(_Shrugs)…_thecomic conventions…video games…online gaming-

PENNY: (_Rolls eyes_) You can stop any time now, Leonard!

LEONARD: Well, we all kind of figured after those dreams that, well, maybe you gals were right and we needed to take a step back once in a while.

PENNY: How big a step?

LEONARD: Not too big. You can't go from zero to liftoff without lots of preparation.

PENNY: (_Takes sip of wine_) Look, sweetie. You are who you are. There's nothing wrong with that. (_Pauses_) I mean, yes, sometimes it's a little scary, and no, I don't always understand it, but I think so long as you know when to take some time off, it may be a good thing for you!

LEONARD: So does this mean you'll also be giving up reality TV from time to time?

PENNY: (_Horrified_) Oh, no. I need my _America's Next Top Model_ fix. I can't give that up.

LEONARD: (_Takes sip of wine_ _and smirks_) I see.

PENNY: _(Looks down at plates_) Well, that was a pretty good dinner!

LEONARD: (_Looks down as well_) Yes, Howard and Bernadette said Mrs. Wolowitz gave them too many leftovers again, so they didn't want the food to go bad. She's really a good cook.

PENNY: I know. Makes me wonder how he stays so skinny without being bulimic.

LEONARD: (_Thinks_) Let me guess. Last night's episode?

PENNY: Oh, yeah. Marcella got it from all the girls when they caught her purging.

LEONARD: (_Pouring more wine for PENNY_) Sooooo…with Sheldon gone tonight, we have the entire apartment to ourselves now. (_Pauses_) Anything you'd like to do this evening?

PENNY: (_Sits back_) Ummm….mayyyybe not tonight, sweetie.

LEONARD: (_Disappointed_) What? Why not? I'll even move my _Battlestar Galactica_ uniforms out of my closet so you won't have to see them when you hang up your clothes!

PENNY: (_Smiling_) Sweetie, since when have you known me to ever hang up my clothes after taking them off?

LEONARD: (_Shrugs_) I know. I guess that's one of the reasons I love having you over. Your clothes look so much better strewn all over the floor than mine.

PENNY: Well, let's just take things slowly, okay? I don't want us falling into any of the same problems we've had in the past.

LEONARD: I promise I won't propose to you.

PENNY: (_Smiling_) I'm going to go back to my apartment now, sweetie. (_Stands up_.) Thanks for a wonderful dinner!

LEONARD: (_Disappointed but accepting_) Okay. (_Thinks_) Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?

PENNY: (_Moving toward door_) Yes, honey. We are. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

LEONARD: Okay.

(_PENNY exits_)

LEONARD: (_Watches the door_) See, it's stuff like this that make guys turn to comic books and sci fi…

_(Cut to: PENNY emerging into the hallway. BERNADETTE and AMY are standing there.)_

AMY: It's about time. Are you finally ready?

PENNY: _(Shocked_) What are you guys doing here?

BERNADETTE: We've been waiting for you.

PENNY: Waiting for me? For what?

AMY: (_Pulls out a communicator_) Landing party to _Enterprise_. Three to beam up.

PENNY: What? What are you talking about? Where did you get that?

BERNADETTE: Our mission here is completed. It's time to go back.

PENNY: Go back?! Go back WHERE?!

AMY: Energize.

PENNY: What?! What are you guys talking about?!

_(All three begin to dematerialize.)_

PENNY: What?! What's happening?! Wha –

_(Cut to: PENNY's bedroom. She sits bolt upright and gasps, clutching her chest. She catches her breath.) _

PENNY: Okay, I SO have to start watching more _America's Next Top Model_ now…


End file.
